The end of round 3

1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.

Last night I became 1 in 4.

It comes with a mixture of sadness and relief.

I haven't felt pregnant for the last month and have been expecting a miscarriage for the last 3 weeks. The wait felt like forever. While I wanted it to pass naturally, I was at the point where I was beginning to consider surgery. So I am relieved that it has happened.

I have spent the last 3 weeks grieving. I would go about my day like nothing has happened. If I kept busy I didn't think about it. But at night, when I got into bed, when I was left alone in the dark, in silence, with only my thoughts, I would cry. I cried each night for weeks. I felt angry with my body. If only it could make good quality eggs then maybe my baby wouldn't have died. 

And today, now that it has ended, I feel empty. Like I have lost a little part of myself. I feel weak, tired and exhausted. The miscarriage was so painful but I feel the pain was fitting for the significance of the loss.

This was my round of no regrets. And I have none. I did absolutely everything I could. Everything. Supplements, vitamins, healthy eating, exercise, acupuncture, belly massage, heat packs. I approached this round with so much hope, and when I didn't feel hopeful, I chose actions that reflected that hope. I spoke scripture over myself and claimed God's promises. 

I did everything.

And it still wasn't enough.

Too much striving. Too much trying. Too much trying to control something that is not mine to control.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions these last 3 weeks. I don't understand why. Why my body can't produce quality eggs. Why I lost my baby. Why we have had to endure over 6 years of infertility. 

But I still trust God. I know he is good. I know He is writing our story and it will be amazing.

'He has made everything beautiful in it's time. Ecclesiastes 3:11'

Over the next few weeks I will have some blood tests to monitor my HCG levels until it returns to 0. From here we will be able to starting planing for our 4th round. 

I am tired. I am ready for this to end, but while there is still a fight to be had, I will fight.

Xxx Alana, Flex Thunderstache and Frankie