The final post

Last week we made our final trip to Fertility Associates for our review appointment.

Our doctor was sad an disappointment for us. It was about 6 years ago we had our first appointment with him, he, along with all the other lovely nurses, embryologists and reception staff have been journeying with us for a long time. 

Now it is time to say goodbye.

We discussed how this round was really just a mirror image of all the other rounds. In the first couple of days, the embryos start dividing, but from day 3, that's when the cells that are going to form the toes start grouping in a area and the cells forming the eyes start grouping together - much more complicated stuff and this is where our embryos stop developing. My egg quality is just too poor to provide our wee embryos with what they need to achieve this.

We also briefly discussed some other options we could pursue in the future, egg donor, adoption and even unmonitored clomiphene cycles. 

But for now, I need a break. I am ready to shut the door on IVF. It has been all consuming for the last couple of years and I don't want to do it anymore.

Last weekend I had a big tidy up and cleared out all the old bottles of pills and needles. I knew it would be shocking, but to see it all laid out on the table like that was quite overwhelming. If I ever have doubts, I can look at this photo and remind myself that I tried. 

Oh how I tried.

To clear this all out was actually quite freeing. Symbolic of what has been and making way for something new. 

I'm not yet ready to donate the boxes of baby clothes, books and toys I have collected over the last 7 years. I still hope for a natural miracle. My God is the God of miracles, He loves starting with the impossible. There is always Hope.

But for now, I seek rest. I seek the promise of Psalm 23 - He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. I look forward to the green pastures of the rolling Tuscan hills and the still waters of Lake Bled. Next year in May we are off to Europe and I am pretty excited!

Psalms 113:9 says 'He makes the barren woman a joyful mother of children' My children may not look anything like what you would picture, but one thing is for sure, they make my heart burst with joy.

This journey has made me more joyful, more grateful. I am realising just how important it is to count your blessing, and really, I have so many good things in my life to be thankful for. God is good. I know God has something great planned for us. Time to set sail and discover what that is.

Thank you for love and support. Writing has helped me to process what  was going on, what I was thinking and feeling. It has been a privilege to share our journey with you.

'Go as far as your courage takes you, for you can not go beyond the reach of God. 

Give as extravagantly as you may, for you can not spend all the riches of heaven.

Care as lavishly as you are able, for you can not exhaust the love of God.

Keep journeying and searching, for God travels with you an blesses you. 

Amen'

Posted with love and thankfulness, for one last time.

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie