It's been quite a few weeks since my last post, but not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about infertility, our IVF journey, our miscarriage, our next cycle.
My mind is a busy place.
So many thoughts.
Sometime I wish I could just switch them off. Escape from them. Feel normal.
It has been a long slow process of healing. I am still grieving. I will think I am doing OK, and then out of no where, something triggers it, and I am overwhelmed with sadness once again.
I decide to plant a tree in memory of our baby. A living monument. I chose a pink grapefruit tree. I wanted something I could watch grow, that would flower and produce fruit. It's a winter fruit so it should be in flower around the anniversary of our miscarriage. I don't know if it was our son or our daughter, but it was our baby. You are in heaven now sweet child, but you will never be forgotten.
We received our letter from the clinic confirming our next round of public funded treatment. (This time I managed to get to the letter first before Flex Thunderstache had a chance to throw it out!) They have a place for us in November. I decided to be cheeky and ask if I could begin in October. I pointed out that as I will be doing a long cycle, if I start in November, the surgical procedures were likely to clash with Christmas. My negotiation skills worked and we will be starting in October.
The letter we received clearly states that this will be our second round of publicly funded treatment. It also states that even if this treatment doesn't result in a child, we will not be eligible for any further publicly funded treatment. The reality is setting in. This feels pretty final.
For our last round, I approached it with so much hope, so much expectation. I even wrote scripture all over the bedroom mirror. But for our next round - I am struggling. Struggling to feel hopeful, struggling to believe that this next time will work. It's not that I blame God or am even angry at him for what happened, but I have recently become aware of the distance I am feeling. After having so much hope, it is hard to let your heart be that vulnerable again.
I have been taking a far more relaxed approach preparing for the next round of treatment. I am finally at the point where I have excepted what will be will be. I am taking 6 different vitamins and supplements now. This may seem like a lot, but compared to previous rounds, it is significantly less. I have gone back to eating food that I want to, instead of having a very strict, healthy diet. I am even enjoying the odd glass of red wine. It feels good to be able to make this area of my life a little more normal again.
This year I have been on the Wellington committee for Fertility NZ (FNZ). I have been organizing monthly coffee group catch ups for others going through infertility. Its such a great group. Full of love and support and women who just understand the journey. I have met some really lovely ladies.
Recently, FNZ had a training session in Auckland which I was able to attend. It was a pretty intense day, but a great opportunity to meet other women from around the North Island who also run support groups. The best part about that trip though - I got to meet Rochelle. Rochelle and I met through a facebook support group. We have been communicating since September and supporting each other through rounds 2 and 3. We share words of hope and encouragement, send cards, care packages and funky socks to wear during egg collection. Rochelle has made this journey so much easier. It was such a treat to meet her.
We also welcomed Eddie into our home a few weeks ago. Frankie is now a big sister. Eddie is a typical little brother, he always wants whatever toy Frankie is currently playing with. It's so lovely to see them playing together, chasing each other around the house and playing tug of war together. I have nicknamed them Trouble 1 and Trouble 2. The day we brought Eddie home, our little family felt a little bit more complete. What a joy they are.
And so, we are back at the place of waiting again. I am sure October will come around soon enough, but if I could start tomorrow, I would.
So for now I say goodbye, I will update you all again closer to the time.
Much love,
Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie
