Another update

Where to begin.

I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am ok, other days I really struggle. 

I am no longer filled with expectant hope. 

I hardly pray. 

I have built a wall.

Month after month, year after year, failed treatment after failed treatment I have been laying bricks down, building a wall between God and I. The wall has become so high and I am so tired. Tired of waiting, tired of roller coaster emotions, tired of putting life on hold. I what to climb the wall. I know what's on the other side, I just no longer have the energy and I am struggling to find that hope again. Hope requires vulnerability but there has been so much sadness and disappointment. I don't know how to find that hope again. 

I haven't been to church in weeks. It's just too hard. I am scared of all the emotions that may come pouring out if I do go.

I keep reminding myself that this journey will be over soon. One way or another it will be done. This brings feeling of relief, but also sadness as I process what that actually means. 

Sometimes I feel disappointed with myself. That I am throwing away our last round. Our last opportunity. Not taking better care of myself and being strict with my lifestyle choices and diet. Disappointed that I am not stronger. That I haven't been able to find the energy to do it all again one last time. I am strong and resilient, but maybe I should have been even stronger.

A few years ago when I had just begun doing research into fertility, I came across a book, Resurrection Year, by Sheridan Voysey. A story about a Christian couple who tried for a family for 10 years and were unsuccessful. The book shares their story, the heartache and pain, their struggles with their faith and how they they turned turned their broken dreams into a new beginning with a resurrection year. I was going to buy the book but decided it wasn't the right time. Our journey was only just beginning then. I didn't need a resurrection year.

Last week I read the book. I laughed, I cried. My heart and soul resonated with the words on the page. I want to read it over and over again.

Our journey is not over yet. We have one more shot, but already my heart and mind are letting go. And with our plan B trip to Europe I am dreaming up for next year, I guess I am already beginning to think of our resurrection year.

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie Xx