*One of the names in
this blog has been changed upon request - for no particular reason.
I’ve never been much of a writer. I can’t even really say
it’s something I enjoy doing, but there is something inside of me that makes me
feel compelled to share our story. Our long journey through infertility. It’s
lonely, challenging and sometimes just pretty shit. It’ a subject that’s very
rarely talked about and yet is surprisingly common. As many as 1 in 4 New
Zealanders experience infertility. I think there is something very powerful in
connecting with others in the hurt and the pain. Although I would never wish
infertility on anyone, to have some else by your side who just gets it, is
incredibly healing. Which is why I feel so strongly about sharing our story.
To
those of you who are struggling with infertility - I hope these words will encourage you. I want you to know that this roller coaster of emotions is normal. I want to assure you that you can feel happy for your friends and sad for yourself when pregnancies are announced. You can have both of these feelings at the same time. These sad, jealous feelings that sometimes arise can make you feel ugly, but you are beautiful. You are strong, Your are brave. You are courageous. You are not alone.
My name is Alana and I married Flex Thunderstache in July 2010.
Our story begins in February, 2012 when we first started
trying to conceive. Initially it was exciting. Fun. We were full of hope and
expectations. I allowed myself to dream about what my baby shower would be
like, where I would put the cot, how I would decorate our baby’s room. I wanted
to nest. I wanted to get my craft on and start making all sorts of lovely
things to adorn my beautiful baby, and it’s room. Questions like, how will I tell Flex
Thunderstache I am pregnant, what creative way can we announce it to
friends and family, will we find out the baby’s gender, were in the forefront
of my mind.
I remember crying into Flex Thunderstache’s shoulder that
July. You see, for a long time I had always said I wanted my first baby before
I turned 30 – why we put those kind of pressures and timeframes on ourselves is
beyond me, but I did. July was the last month for me to get pregnant and have
my first baby before I turned 30. My period came and went, taking with it my
hopes of being a mum before I was 30. It had been 6 months, it wasn’t unreasonable
to expect that I would pregnant was it? We should have started earlier, but a
trip to India and a needle stick injury in Kolkata had put those plans on hold
for a few months. Oh well, at least I will have my first baby while I’m 30 –
that’s nearly the same thing, right?
The months went by,
and like clockwork my period would arrive. No signs of those 2 blue lines.
After a year, we decided it was time to seek some help through our GP. This
just involved a couple of blood tests and a seamen analysis. My tests came back
normal, Flex Thunderstache’s didn’t. Basically, the test showed that only about
1% of his sperm were actually useful. Not very good odds. So, it was off to
fertility associates for more tests. They repeated Flex Thunderstache’s test
which came back perfectly normal. A couple of months later we worked out what we
think went wrong with the first test. Turns out, sperm don’t like going for
motorbike rides! After collecting the sample, Flex Thunderstache drove it down
to the clinic on his motorbike. It was too cold for the little guys and
it killed most of them and left the remainder feeling rather confused. With everything
being fine on that side, it was now time for some invasive tests for me. Everything came back normal for me as well and
we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Unfortunately, when you fall
into the unexplained category like us, you have to have been trying for 5 years
before you can qualify for publicly funded treatment. The theory is, that if
there’s nothing wrong, it is likely to happen naturally.
Over time, I have learnt to view unexplained as a good
diagnosis – if there is nothing wrong then there is a good chance we will be
able to have a baby. There are so many horrible things they could have
diagnosed us with, but at the time I remember wishing they had found something - anything.
If we knew what the problem was it would be easier to fix it right? How do you
fix an unknown problem?
Fast forward 4 years and that brings us to today. Still no
baby. Still waiting for treatment. In the time we have been trying we have welcomed
into the world, 2 nieces, 4 nephews, 3 cousins, a Goddaughter, and countless
other tiny humans belonging to our friends. We love these children very much and
enjoy being a part of their lives, but always in the back of our minds, that
big question, when will it be our turn? Will we be parents? There was even one
month I actually thought I was pregnant, I had the symptoms, nausea, fatigue,
abdominal cramps, but no. How foolish of me, of course I wasn’t pregnant, I
probably had giardia like half the other people from my church, who were
unfortunate enough to pick up the bug from a camp.
I have tried so many different treatments and tests. Blood
tests, and ultrasounds, a hysterosalpingogram (A type of X ray where radiographic contrast dye is injected into the uterine cavity and shows if there are any blockages in the fallopian tubes.) I have taken a variety of supplements and tonics.
Chinese herbal medicine, acupuncture, osteopathy. Temperature charting – taking
my temperature at 6am EVERY morning, including weekends so I can track my
cycle. Ovulation tests. I have had days where my handbag looks like a pharmacy.
My latest treatment has involved seeing a herbalist and making some pretty big
lifestyle changes. I have cut sugar out
of my diet, well mostly (pretty good going for someone with such a sweet
tooth). I eat more vegetables. I buy organic when I can. I don’t
use the microwave. I only drink water. I have changed all our cleaning products
to eco ones to reduce exposure to chemicals and toxins. I have had hardly any
alcohol in the last 5 years. I have changed my shampoo, conditioner, deodorant,
skin care and make up to natural based products. I hardly eat take always. I
have removed all plastic from kitchen and replaced it with glass. I make my own
muesli and other things from scratch so I know what’s in them. I say no to
receipts because they are often coated with BPA (Bisphenol A) I avoid tinned
food, unless it states on the can that it is BPA free. I have stopped wearing
perfume and I don’t wear nail polish.
This sometimes feels like a full-time job.
What a hard journey this has been. We have laughed, we have
cried – well, I have cried. We have fought and argued – a lot. It has divided
us and brought us closer together. I have hosted baby showers and attended many
more. Handcrafted all sorts of beautiful gifts for everybody’s children, except
for ours. I have been full of hope and full of despair. There have been times
when I am content with my family being Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and I, and
times when I have been full of envy and long for more. I have cried at birthday
parties and baby showers and I have even hidden myself away in the bathroom
when it all just gets too much. And I have delighted in watching those precious
children grow. Enjoyed seeing their own unique personality emerge. I have loved
watching them dance so carefree and full of joy. I have had hugs and cuddles
and heard the words “I love you auntie Lana’
I believe in God and I trust him. I trust that in his
perfect timing we will become parents. And until then, he is using this time to
teach me, to be patient, to be strong. To trust him, to find joy and delight in
Him, to rest in Him and find peace in Him. And he has blessed us. We have been
able to do so many amazing things during this season of waiting. Things we
likely wouldn’t have been able to do, had we had children a few years ago. It
hasn’t all been bad. And last year we got a puppy. My beautiful little
treasure, Frankie who is wonderfully perfect, has oodles of personality and is
just the right amount of naughty. What a delight she is.
In February 2017 our 5 year wait was up. We had an
appointment with fertility associates and they filled out the paper work to get
us on the waiting list. I had been eagerly awaiting our letter from fertility
associates confirming that we were on the waiting list for treatment. For me it
would mark a huge mile stone in our journey and symbolise that finally, after
all this time, things were starting to happen. You can imagine then how shocked
I was when Flex Thunderstache casually announces at a family get together that
our letter had arrived a couple of days ago and that ‘it didn’t contain any
important information that we didn’t already know, so I just threw it away’
WHAT!!!! He threw out our letter!!! Did I have questions? Of course. Could he
answer them? Of course not. So the next day I found myself digging through the
wheelie bin, and finally, after removing all the bits of jib board (Flex
Thunderstache decided to do a bit of renovating, I mean demolition. No reno has
followed yet) my wet, dusty, precious letter emerges. Safely put away now, so
it can continue to remind me how far we have come in this journey.
We are still waiting for our public funding. It will be
about 12-18 months. However, we have recently been so blessed to receive an
incredibly generous gift from my great Aunt and it has made it possible for us
to have a private round of IVF. I feel pretty nervous about it, but at the same
time, for the first time in ages, I feel hopeful, excited and expectant.
Until next time,
Flex Thunderstache, Alana and Frankie Xxx
