Follow up review

Last Monday we had our follow up review. 

It went exactly as expected.

While it was frustrating having to wait 2 weeks for the appointment (and 2 weeks feels like a really long time when your waiting for something like this) on the plus side, the wait allowed me some time to roll the words 'donor eggs' around in my mind so that at our appointment, it wasn't such a shock. I was still in a bit of a daze though.

I really only had one question.

Can we do another public funded round of IVF with my eggs?

The answer is yes. 

Our doctor asked us if we had talked about donor eggs. I said that I had tried to avoid thinking about it and wanted to wait until we had the facts. The response was, 'unfortunately I don't have any facts for you.'

We were told that they are assuming the problem is due to egg quality, but can't really say for sure. When it is a sperm problem, it is easier to tell. The sperm aren't moving much, deformed or swimming in circles and this isn't the case for Flex Thunderstaches' swimmers.  so they have concluded that it is an egg quality issue and unfortunately there are currently no tests to prove this.

So we asked 2 questions

Is there anything that I can do to improve my egg quality?

Where do you get donor eggs from?

To the first question our doctor said no.

There is nothing I can do to improve my egg quality. I asked about different treatment plans and drugs, each was met with an explanation about how there was no scientific proof that any of those things worked. This is the first time I have felt frustrated with our doctor. The doctors want a positive result and I think sometimes they can put too much focus on the end result of 'getting you a baby' without always keeping in mind the route you want to go down to get there.

I haven't given up on my eggs yet, but I feel our doctor has.

To the second question we were told there are 3 ways. 

1) Eggs are donated from someone you know. A sister, cousin, friend etc. 

2) You place an ad in local community notice boards (Fertility Associates help you to write this) 

3) You go overseas. Fertility Associates have a good relationship with a clinic in San Diego. The cost for treatment, flights etc is about 50K.

There used to be a waiting list in NZ but that got to about 6 or 7 years so they no longer have it. In New Zealand you can't be paid for egg donation and so there is a very limited supply. Where as, in America, you are paid and so there are a lot more eggs available.

Flex Thunderstache and I have not really discussed the use of donor eggs. I don't think it will be a path we choose to go down, but we haven't ruled it out either. At the moment, I want to put all my focus into this last round and giving it our best shot. I am not going to look back and have regrets.

Our 3rd round will start in February next year. This gives me 3 months to get myself (even more) fertility fit. I have booked into see a naturopath who was quite positive about improving egg quality and I plan to look into fertility massage and yoga. I am also being even more disciplined with what I eat. We will be trying a different treatment plan. (At my request, it is really important that I advocate for us at this point. After all, it's our future) This treatment is much slower and lasts for 2 months instead of 1. Last time a lot of my eggs were immature, I am hoping this slower treatment plan will help with that. I have also requested a couple of extra treatments and am waiting to hear if our doctor will approve them. I know they are not treatments he supports, but I know of others who have used them and had better results. At this stage, I am willing to give anything a go.

So that is where we are at.

I am disappointment that my 'no alcohol, sugar, processed foods, saturated fats, and pretty much anything that tastes good' will be happening over Christmas but I remind myself that this is not forever. I only have to do this for 4 months. I can do that.

I would like to leave you with this one positive thought. The night before our scheduled transfer, I lay in bed praying. I wanted to pray for our embryos, that they would grow strong and healthy and we would have one to transfer the next day. The truth is, the only words I could find, were ones of thankfulness. Thankfulness for my family, Flex Thunderstache and Frankie, who lay beside me sleeping. 

Even if we don't have a baby, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Published with love

Alana, Flex and Frankie

Nothing can prepare you for those words

I have been trying to decide if I want to blog about this week just gone. It has been a hard week with a lot of emotions. I started this blog wanting to be open and honest about our journey. My hope was to give you a glimpse of what it is like to struggle with infertility issues, and for anyone who has found themselves on this rollercoaster, to let them know that they are not alone. And so I have decided to press ‘publish’ I share the rawness, sadness and fear that I have experienced this week.

On Monday I went to work. I have found it’s best to keep busy to keep my mind from coming up with an array of worst case scenarios. I waited patiently for a call to update me on my embryos, hoping that my phone would ring at a time I would be able to answer it.

Around 10am the silence was broken. I spoke with both our nurse and embryologist. As expected our embryos showed no further development. All 4 of them had only developed to around the day 3 mark and one of them had some abnormalities in the way it had divided. I them heard words start to surface that I had been dreading hearing. 

‘Poor egg quality.’

‘Donor eggs.’

My heart sunk. There is nothing that can prepare you for those words. ‘Donor eggs.’ Those two small words that instantly cause your hopes and dreams to come crashing down around you.

Our review with our doctor has been booked in for Monday 13^th and we will be able to go over our options and discuss were we are at with the public funding. The comments about donor eggs was only in passing, not, so this is what has to happen next, so until then, I am trying to steady my mind and not jump to conclusions. I need to wait for the facts. There is so much waiting. It feels like every time we take one step forward we are greeted with another wait. 

It’s hard.

I am hoping, praying, that we will be able to have another go with my eggs under the public funding. 

After the phone call, I was in the bathroom and I looked up at my reflection in the mirror, looked at my large eyes and thought ‘I won’t be able to look at my baby and say that she has my eyes’ and then I started to cry.

Shouldn’t have worn mascara to work today!

I managed to hold it together and put on a brave face for most of the day and was relieved to make it home where I could just sit quietly in my room with all my emotions. 

There were a lot of tears that evening.

There is actually quite a lot of things you can do to improve egg quality. There is an amazing book called ‘It starts with the egg’ and it has all sorts of changes you can make to diet and lifestyle. The only trouble is that I have made a lot of significant changes this year, most of them early this year, in preparation for our first round of IVF. So I feel like I have already exhausted a lot of those options without success.

Tuesday I was in much better spirits. I messaged my prayer partner about what had been going on. I am not sure if I have mentioned it before, but I joined a faith based fertility support group on face book called ‘moms in the making’ one of the things you can do is sign up for a prayer partner. You are matched with someone who is at a similar stage as you so you can offer each other hope, support, encouragement and friendship. I have been matched with a sweetie named Katie, who lives in San Diego. When we signed up we both selected the ‘taking a break from treatment' option, and now, within just 2 weeks, we have both heard the words ‘donor eggs ‘ being spoken. God knew and he paired us up. I am so thankful for Katie. She always has such encouraging, truthful words to share but also affirms me in how I am feeling. Hope is so important, but so is being given the time and space to grieve.

I was reminded today of a dream I had many years ago. I seldom remember my dreams, but this one has stuck. I was sitting in a hospital bed, holding a new born baby boy. I remember looking down at him and thinking to myself, I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone this much. At the time, I thought it was telling me that I would do alright as a mother. There was a few years where I was convinced that all babies didn’t like me. Every time I went near a happy, smiling baby, as soon as it was handed to me, it would start to cry. EVERY SINGLE TIME!! No Lie! But now I wonder if this dream was actually speaking to my future. To a time where I would love a baby so much that was not genetically mine.

Tonight I asked Flex Thunderstache what his gut feeling was about donor eggs. 

He replied

‘You have such distinctive eyes, we would never have a child that had your eyes’. 

My eyes. I would never be able to look at my child and see that they had my eyes.

Sadness overwhelms me.

I am not ready to start discussing donor eggs. I am just trying to push it out of my mind, carry on as best I can and wait to hear what our doctor has to say. 

This has been a hard week.