The 'what went wrong' review

'Well we went out with a bang didn't we.'

'What a spectacular fail.'

These were the first words to come out of my mouth when we met with our Doctor on Monday.

Through out this process, I have found myself making light-hearted comments like the ones above. I think this must be part of my coping mechanism. Turning bad news into not so much a big deal. 

I was expecting to be told that they didn't know what went wrong, that it was just really bad luck and that we shouldn't expect the same thing would necessarily happen again. 

This is what I was expecting, I was hoping for more.

We got more.

He couldn't tell us what went wrong, but Dr Stegmann was able to show us a chart of our egg and embryo development over the 5 days. He said, had we done a 3 day transfer, we probably would have had 4 or maybe 5 embryos to choose from, however, by day 5 they had all stopped developing, 2 were almost there, but not quite.

I don't have any regrets choosing a 5 day transfer and I would choose that again. I am sure that if we had done a 3 day transfer, the same thing would have happened, only I would have had to go through the 'dreaded 2 week wait'. I am certain I would be analyzing every teak and twinge in my body and consulting Dr google over everything, only to later go through a miscarriage. 

It was better this way.

I had the opportunity to ask why we needed ICSI. Dr Stegmann's responce was "I don't know' which made us laugh. He did say thought that ICSI is quite a common practice now. They want to ensure that as many eggs as possible fertilize - and this is the best way to do it. We were both happy with his honest feedback agreed that ICSI was a good choice - after all, we did get a high number of eggs fertilizing, they just had trouble after that.

Dr Stegmann said he didn't want us to proceed with another round until he had made sure we weren't missing something. We will both be getting chromosome blood tests done to make sure there isn't anything wrong there. If it comes back clear then we can go a head with another round and hopefully there will be no issues. If the tests do reveal something then we can discuss what our options are. Test results take a couple of weeks to come back and I don't imagine Flex Thunderstache will get a chance to do his test until next week.

So roughly a 3 week wait for us. 

All in all, we left the appointment feeling quite positive.

We also celebrated out 7th wedding anniversary. What a journey it has been. We had a lovely meal at Charley Nobel's and Flex Thunderstache got to have Steak Tartare. (That's one to tick off the bucket list) I even tried a  bit. We agreed it tasted like a Big Mac - must have used the same sort of gherkin.

Yesterday I had my blood test done for my chromosome test. I wasn't feeling very brave, so I thought of my future baby and that gave me strength. 

I can do this!

I will add another post once we find out what our chromosomes are doing.

Much love,

Flex Thunderstache, Alana and Frankie

12th July - A letter to my children

To my future babies. 

I can't wait to meet you.

I am so looking forward to the day I can hold you in my arms.

To tell you over and over and over again how much I love you.

To whisper in your ear, that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

To count your tiny, perfect little fingers and toes and hold your precious hand in mine.

You are already so loved.

My heart is waiting for you.

Love from Mummy

24th June - dealing with unusual emotions

It's been a strange week.

I went straight back to work. Its been really busy and IVF already feels like a distant memory.

I have kept busy so I don't have to feel anything, but now it's the weekend.

Now I have stopped.

Taken time to be still.

And the emotions have come flooding in.

I feel sad and defeated.

I am in this strange place of grief and mourning even though I didn't have a miscarriage, nor was I ever pregnant. I guess I am mourning over the loss of hope and dreams.

This is sucky place to be in, but I realise that grief is an important part of healing and necessary for me to be able to move on.

20th June - Don't listen to emotion triggering songs while on the train

This morning on the 'Mom's in the Making' facebook group there was an opportunity to post any prayer request you have and then you pray for the person above you.

I posted a brief outline of what we have just been through with our failed cycle. I quickly got a few responses and one women gave me this song - Your gonna be OK, by Bethal Church.

I listened to it while on the train.

Big mistake.

Tears pouring down my cheeks.

What a beautiful song.

I know it's all you've got to just, be strong 

And it's a fight just to keep it together, together
I know you think, that you are too far gone
But hope is never lost
Hope is never lost

Hold on, don't let go
Hold on, don't let go

Just take, one step, closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You'll, get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You're gonna be ok


I know your heart is heavy from those nights
Just remember that you're a fighter, a fighter
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you're stronger than you know
Stronger than you know

And when the night, is closing in
Don't give up and don't give in
This won't last, it's not the end, it's not the end
You're gonna be ok
When the night, is closing in
Don't give up and don't give in
This won't last, it's not the end, it's not the end
You're gonna be ok

If you would like to listen to it, here is the youtube link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjF9IqvXDjY