The final post

Last week we made our final trip to Fertility Associates for our review appointment.

Our doctor was sad an disappointment for us. It was about 6 years ago we had our first appointment with him, he, along with all the other lovely nurses, embryologists and reception staff have been journeying with us for a long time. 

Now it is time to say goodbye.

We discussed how this round was really just a mirror image of all the other rounds. In the first couple of days, the embryos start dividing, but from day 3, that's when the cells that are going to form the toes start grouping in a area and the cells forming the eyes start grouping together - much more complicated stuff and this is where our embryos stop developing. My egg quality is just too poor to provide our wee embryos with what they need to achieve this.

We also briefly discussed some other options we could pursue in the future, egg donor, adoption and even unmonitored clomiphene cycles. 

But for now, I need a break. I am ready to shut the door on IVF. It has been all consuming for the last couple of years and I don't want to do it anymore.

Last weekend I had a big tidy up and cleared out all the old bottles of pills and needles. I knew it would be shocking, but to see it all laid out on the table like that was quite overwhelming. If I ever have doubts, I can look at this photo and remind myself that I tried. 

Oh how I tried.

To clear this all out was actually quite freeing. Symbolic of what has been and making way for something new. 

I'm not yet ready to donate the boxes of baby clothes, books and toys I have collected over the last 7 years. I still hope for a natural miracle. My God is the God of miracles, He loves starting with the impossible. There is always Hope.

But for now, I seek rest. I seek the promise of Psalm 23 - He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. I look forward to the green pastures of the rolling Tuscan hills and the still waters of Lake Bled. Next year in May we are off to Europe and I am pretty excited!

Psalms 113:9 says 'He makes the barren woman a joyful mother of children' My children may not look anything like what you would picture, but one thing is for sure, they make my heart burst with joy.

This journey has made me more joyful, more grateful. I am realising just how important it is to count your blessing, and really, I have so many good things in my life to be thankful for. God is good. I know God has something great planned for us. Time to set sail and discover what that is.

Thank you for love and support. Writing has helped me to process what  was going on, what I was thinking and feeling. It has been a privilege to share our journey with you.

'Go as far as your courage takes you, for you can not go beyond the reach of God. 

Give as extravagantly as you may, for you can not spend all the riches of heaven.

Care as lavishly as you are able, for you can not exhaust the love of God.

Keep journeying and searching, for God travels with you an blesses you. 

Amen'

Posted with love and thankfulness, for one last time.

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie

Test day

It is finished. The test was negative.

This journey has ended. Time for a new one to begin.

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie Xxx

Embryo Update

Today I received a call from our embryologist.

None of the remaining 3 embryos made it freezing.

It was the news I was expecting, but I had let a little bit of hope creep in and it left me feeling deflated.

Now we really do have all our eggs in one basket.

Out 2 x 7 cell embryos stopped growing on day 3 and our 12 cell embryo began to deteriorate.

So we are just left with peanut and kernel. (Flex has named our other embryo kernel)

I can definitely feel things starting to happen in my womb, but I also know that the drugs I am taking to help support the pregnancy can give you every pregnancy symptom under the sun, even when your not pregnant.

So all I can do now is wait and hope and pray that our little peanut and kernel stick.

It's going to be a long week!

Xxx Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie, Eddie, Peanut and Kernel.

Embabies are on board

This morning we had our transfer and all went well. 

I was not surprised to hear that we had an embryo to transfer, but I was quite surprised to hear that all 5 were still growing, looking good and no signs of fragmentation. 

Maybe this time it will work.

We had 2 x 7 cell embryos, 1 x 9 cell, 1 x 10 cell and 1 x 12 cell. We opted to put back 2 so I assumed it would be the 10 and 12 cell ones. However my embryologist said her pick was the 9 and 10 cell ones. On day 3, she likes to see them between 8 and 10 cells. She explained that the 12 cell one was developing a little too quickly and might burn out a little later on.

So we transferred our 9 and 10 cell embryos. I have decided to call one peanut and will let Flex Thunderstache name the other. (Unsure if this is a good idea, could be interesting!)

The other 3 embryos remain in culture in the lab, being grown for another couple of days to see if they make it to day 5. On Tuesday we will get an update call letting us know how the remaining 3 got on and if they are suitable for freezing.

So now we are back in that all too familiar place of waiting. Once we get the results, I will update you all once we are ready to share the outcome.

Here are our 2 little embabies

Xx Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Ed

Embryo update

This morning I got the call from our embryologist. Out of the 13 eggs collected, 7 were mature and 5 have fertilised normally.

Good news!

The next decision to make is do we do a day 3 transfer or a day 5 transfer. 

For the first 2 rounds we opted for day 5 and then had nothing to transfer.

The third round we did a day 3 transfer and I did fall pregnant for a few weeks.

As soon as we have a transfer, that is the end of our public funding so I was leaning towards a day 5 transfer, however, our Dr explained that if we have a good quality embryo on day 3 but wait to day 5, and it doesn't make it to day 5, it would be unlikely that we would get any more public funding anyway.

So the decision that I thought would be difficult was actually quite easy. We will do a day 3 transfer (Saturday) If we have 2 good embryos, we will transfer them both like last time. 

They embryologist explained that they would only transfer 2 embryos if we had 2 good quality ones. They wont transfer a good quality one with a poor quality one, as if one embryo/fetus dies, it is quite possible it will take the healthy one with it.

So we only have 1 more day to wait, then we have a transfer, then the 2 week wait begins and then we will know if we will be a family with human babies or a family with just 2 gorgeous dogs.

Xxx Alana, Flex, Frank the Tank and Eddie.

Egg Collection Day

Instead of writing, I decided that I would document today through photos

Tomorrow we will get a call to tell us how many of those eggs were mature and how many have fertilised.

Xxx Alana, Flex, Frankie and Eddie

It's trigger time

It seems my little follicles are slow growing this time around. They normally grow 2mm a day but my scan yesterday showed that it's been a lot less than that.

This is how they measured yesterday

Right 11, 13, 16, 17, 19

Left 13, 13, 14, 16, 18 & 6 measuring less than 12

For comparison, this is what they were on Friday

Right 11, 11, 15, 16 plus 2 little ones

Left 10, 11, 12, 12, 14, 14, 16 and 4 little ones

I've just had the call to say my trigger injection will be tonight and egg collection  on Wednesday.

All I can day is thank goodness. My body is sore. The injections hurt. So ready for this! Even Flex Thunderstache commented yesterday that he was 'over it'. At least we are both on the same page with how we feel about ivf!

I will update again on Wednesday and let you know how many eggs we were able to retrieve.

Xx Alana, Flex, Frankie and Ed.