Update

It's been quite a few weeks since my last post, but not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about infertility, our IVF journey, our miscarriage, our next cycle. 

My mind is a busy place.

So many thoughts. 

Sometime I wish I could just switch them off. Escape from them. Feel normal.

It has been a long slow process of healing. I am still grieving. I will think I am doing OK, and then out of no where, something triggers it, and I am overwhelmed with sadness once again.

I decide to plant a tree in memory of our baby. A living monument. I chose a pink grapefruit tree. I wanted something I could watch grow, that would flower and produce fruit. It's a winter fruit so it should be in flower around the anniversary of our miscarriage. I don't know if it was our son or our daughter, but it was our baby. You are in heaven now sweet child, but you will never be forgotten. 

We received our letter from the clinic confirming our next round of public funded treatment. (This time I managed to get to the letter first before Flex Thunderstache had a chance to throw it out!) They have a place for us in November. I decided to be cheeky and ask if I could begin in October. I pointed out that as I will be doing a long cycle, if I start in November, the surgical procedures were likely to clash with Christmas. My negotiation skills worked and we will be starting in October.

The letter we received clearly states that this will be our second round of publicly funded treatment. It also states that even if this treatment doesn't result in a child, we will not be eligible for any further publicly funded treatment. The reality is setting in. This feels pretty final.

For our last round, I approached it with so much hope, so much expectation. I even wrote scripture all over the bedroom mirror. But for our next round - I am struggling. Struggling to feel hopeful, struggling to believe that this next time will work. It's not that I blame God or am even angry at him for what happened, but I have recently become aware of the distance I am feeling. After having so much hope, it is hard to let your heart be that vulnerable again.

I have been taking a far more relaxed approach preparing for the next round of treatment. I am finally at the point where I have excepted what will be will be. I am taking 6 different vitamins and supplements now. This may seem like a lot, but compared to previous rounds, it is significantly less. I have gone back to eating food that I want to, instead of having a very strict, healthy diet. I am even enjoying the odd glass of red wine. It feels good to be able to make this area of my life a little more normal again.

This year I have been on the Wellington committee for Fertility NZ (FNZ). I have been organizing monthly coffee group catch ups for others going through infertility. Its such a great group. Full of love and support and women who just understand the journey. I have met some really lovely ladies. 

Recently, FNZ had a training session in Auckland which I was able to attend. It was a pretty intense day, but a great opportunity to meet other women from around the North Island who also run support groups. The best part about that trip though - I got to meet Rochelle. Rochelle and I met through a facebook support group. We have been communicating since September and supporting each other through rounds 2 and 3. We share words of hope and encouragement, send cards, care packages and funky socks to wear during egg collection. Rochelle has made this journey so much easier. It was such a treat to meet her.

We also welcomed Eddie into our home a few weeks ago. Frankie is now a big sister. Eddie is a typical little brother, he always wants whatever toy Frankie is currently playing with. It's so lovely to see them playing together, chasing each other around the house and playing tug of war together. I have nicknamed them Trouble 1 and Trouble 2. The day we brought Eddie home, our little family felt a little bit more complete. What a joy they are.

And so, we are back at the place of waiting again. I am sure October will come around soon enough, but if I could start tomorrow, I would. 

So for now I say goodbye, I will update you all again closer to the time.

Much love, 

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie

The end of round 3

1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.

Last night I became 1 in 4.

It comes with a mixture of sadness and relief.

I haven't felt pregnant for the last month and have been expecting a miscarriage for the last 3 weeks. The wait felt like forever. While I wanted it to pass naturally, I was at the point where I was beginning to consider surgery. So I am relieved that it has happened.

I have spent the last 3 weeks grieving. I would go about my day like nothing has happened. If I kept busy I didn't think about it. But at night, when I got into bed, when I was left alone in the dark, in silence, with only my thoughts, I would cry. I cried each night for weeks. I felt angry with my body. If only it could make good quality eggs then maybe my baby wouldn't have died. 

And today, now that it has ended, I feel empty. Like I have lost a little part of myself. I feel weak, tired and exhausted. The miscarriage was so painful but I feel the pain was fitting for the significance of the loss.

This was my round of no regrets. And I have none. I did absolutely everything I could. Everything. Supplements, vitamins, healthy eating, exercise, acupuncture, belly massage, heat packs. I approached this round with so much hope, and when I didn't feel hopeful, I chose actions that reflected that hope. I spoke scripture over myself and claimed God's promises. 

I did everything.

And it still wasn't enough.

Too much striving. Too much trying. Too much trying to control something that is not mine to control.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions these last 3 weeks. I don't understand why. Why my body can't produce quality eggs. Why I lost my baby. Why we have had to endure over 6 years of infertility. 

But I still trust God. I know he is good. I know He is writing our story and it will be amazing.

'He has made everything beautiful in it's time. Ecclesiastes 3:11'

Over the next few weeks I will have some blood tests to monitor my HCG levels until it returns to 0. From here we will be able to starting planing for our 4th round. 

I am tired. I am ready for this to end, but while there is still a fight to be had, I will fight.

Xxx Alana, Flex Thunderstache and Frankie

8 weeks - 2nd scan

I am experiencing so many different emotions right now. I don't even know how to begin articulating them, so I will just stick to the facts.

• Yesterday we had our second scan.
• It didn't go well.
• Our baby is still measuring 3-4mm, at 8 weeks it should be be 15-16mm
• We saw a faint slow flicker but it was not enough for the doctor to be hopeful.
• I have been taking medication since egg collection to help my body support the pregnancy. 
• The doctor believes that this might be continuing to support my pregnancy when naturally I would have miscarried.
• It has been suggested that I stop taking the medication and expect this to end in miscarriage.
• It may happen naturally.
• Or I could take some medication that would assist it happening
• He didn't believe a D&C would be necessary.
• We still qualify for another round of public funded IVF.
• Since we actually managed to get pregnant, it is likely that there will still be the option of having another go with my eggs rather than being told the only way forward is with donor eggs.

We just have to wait it out and see what happens.

This journey never gets any easier.

6 weeks 6 days. 1st scan

For the last couple of weeks I have been feeling pretty upbeat and positive. I have developed a heavy feeling in my tummy, am super tired and really hungry. I have been enjoying feeling pregnancy symptoms.

I have found a midwife finally. I contacted 15 before I found someone who was available. My due date is 1st Jan so it means working over the holiday season and so many midwives were just unavailable for this time.

As I said, I have been feeling pretty positive, but in the couple of days leading up to our scan, doubt and worry made it's way in. I had a day where I didn't feel tired. What's going on? Over analysing every feeling and symptom, or lack of. Wondering if everything is OK.

I have been memorizing scripture for the last few months and this has gotten me through some difficult times. At the moment I recite 2 Timothy 1.7 to myself. 'God has not given us a spirit of fear.' I do not need to be fearful. I do not need to worry. God is with me. He is with my babies.

Finally, yesterday afternoon arrived and it was time for our scan. Our doctor greeted us and asked how i was doing. I replied with great enthusiasm that I was great. 'Oh' he said. 'Your suppossed to tell me you have nausea.'

Nope. No nausea. But I am really tired and super hungry. That's a good sign right?

We have our scan. I can never understand them, even when the doctor is pointing out stuff I really struggle to see what he is referring to. He located the yoke sack, the fetal pole and we see a slight flicker. I am looking to my doctor, trying to establish if things are good. He isn't giving much away. Then he takes some measurements and says the yoke sack is measuring 6 weeks 0 days. He asks again how far along I am. 6 weeks 6 days.

                             

The scan ends with us being told it is inconclusive. It's just a bit too early to make any sure conclusions. He explained that sometimes embryos are a bit slow to implant and hatch and that could explain why the growth is nearly a week behind. He books us in for another scan the following week. He gives me a pat on the shoulder and says 'Sorry, it's going to be a long week.'

Flex Thunderstache had to leave quickly after the scan so we didn't get the opportunity to talk until the evening. The afternoon left me feeling disappointed. Not bad news, but also not the news we were hoping for. IVF is never simple or straight forward. There is always one more test, one more hoop to jump through, one more period of waiting. It is a long roller-coaster of emotions.

When I got home Flex Thunderstache was very positive about it all, saying it was good news. I was so grateful for his optimism. And my sock buddy told me it was a very positive sign seeing a yoke sack and a fetal pole. By evening I was feeling very encouraged and hopeful again.

We still don't know if I am pregnant with twins. We only saw one yoke sack and one fetal pole so I would assume that it is a single pregnancy, but they are so small at this stage. I have heard that sometimes they can hide. It did take the doctor a while to locate the one we saw. Maybe they will be able to confirm next week.

So we are back to the place we have been so many times before. A place of waiting. It is still very early days. A lot of women still wouldn't even know they were pregnant at this stage. I have known for 3 weeks. Its one of the many blessings and down sides of IVF. You know so much so early on.

Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts. It means the world to us.

Much love,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and the blueberry (apparently our baby is currently the size of a blueberry)

Day 66

Happy Friday to you all!

This post is a little over due but I still wanted to share.

On Monday we had our 2nd blood test. Waiting for the call for the results felt like it went on forever. And then of course when my phone did ring, I had a client at the reception desk I needed to assist. All I could do was answer the call and ask them to please call back in a couple of minutes. That was then followed by the longest 19 minutes of my life. I couldn't think properly and I certainly couldn't concentrate on work. Unable to wait any longer I rang them back and thankfully got through.

My Hcg levels have risen from 190 to 1600 over the last 6 days. My nurse was very happy with that and I don't have to have any more blood tests for now. Happy days!

Our 1st scan has also been brought forward 2 weeks so that is now happening on the 14th of May. 

I spent the first week in shock, finding it had to believe that it was actually happening but now I am filled with joy and excitement. I am now looking for a midwife, I have tried a couple, so far no luck, but that's ok. I'm not worried. It will all work out. 

I have been enjoying reading my pregnancy app daily and getting updates. Our babies are currently the size of sesame seeds and measure 3mm. There is also a picture of what they look like. Haha. A bit like a tadpole! 

I haven't had any morning sickness yet, that usually starts around 6 weeks so I have a few more days to enjoy before that starts. I have been feeling pretty tired and feeling a heaviness in my tummy. I am enjoying feeling pregnancy symptoms for the first time in my life. And it's encouraging to be able to feel that things are happening down there.

Love to you all

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, frankie and the sesame seeds. Xx

Day 60

Test day.

My first week waiting went by with no troubles. I was enjoying having time at home to do absolutely nothing, and I managed to get through the first week without thinking too much about our treatment. 

The next few days were much harder.

As test day drew closer, I found it hard to hold onto hope - could this round really be any different? Everything about this round had worse results than our first 2 cycles.

I managed to stay off Dr Google for the entire wait, but internally, I over thought every sign and symptom, every pang, every twinge, wondering if it was a good sign or a bad sign. The last few days were hard.

On Sunday I had mild nausea all day and I was so happy. I didn't care that I was feeling sick, this surely was a good sign and it gave me hope. But on Monday there was no nausea and I found out my brother and sister in law (who I has spent the weekend with) had also been feeling unwell. 

I was crushed.

I went to bed on Monday night feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep. My mind was so active and I just wanted it to hurry up and all be over. I decided to turn my thoughts to something positive so I lay in bed and thanked God for all the good things in my life. It included important things like amazing supportive family and  friends, Daniel and Frankie and some not so important things like Feijoas and soft cheese.

Finally sleep came, but not for long, I was awake again at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. In the 6 years we have been trying to start a family, I have never blamed myself or my body for infertility but in the early hours of the morning of test day I couldn't shift the thought that my body was broken. That it couldn't do the thing it was designed to do, even with the assistance of IVF. 

I am made in His image. God doesn't make mistakes. I told myself.

At 6am my alarm went off followed by a notification from the pregnancy app I had downloaded, congratulating me on being 4 weeks pregnant. Argh, why did I down load that thing? I didn't need to hear that today.

I had decided to do a home pregnancy test that morning before my blood test. I didn't want to get a call at work from my nurse telling me I wasn't pregnant. I wanted to be prepared for that call.

But yesterday morning I didn't want to get out of bed and do that test. I wanted to hold onto that very thin thread of hope for just a bit longer. But by 6:15am I couldn't put it off any longer, I needed to get up now so I would have time to get a blood test done and be at work by 8am.

I fumble my way into the bathroom, get out the test, read the instructions twice and then dive right in. I do the test, put it straight on the window sill then sit on the floor. 

I don't want to watch it.

I set my phone for 3 minutes, turn off the light and I pray. 

I pray for Daniel and I, that God would be with us, that He would give us strength.

My alarm sounds but I can't look. 

I set it for another 2 minutes.

Beep beep beep, can't really put it off any longer, slowly I stand up and peer over the window ledge and I gasp. Staring straight back at me are not 2 blue lines (I named this blog before I had any experience with pregnancy tests!) but 2 strong pink lines.

I stand there for a minute in shock, and then trembling I make may way back to bed where Flex Thunderstache extends his arms to give me a big hug to console me. 

'It was positive' I whisper

There is a moment of silence and then Flex Thuderstache replies 'well that is unexpected'

On my way into town I am sitting on the train, looking out the window at the ocean, smiling and crying happy tears. For the first time in my life, after 6 years of trying to start a family, I have seen a positive pregnancy test. 

I am no longer infertile or barren.

I am pregnant.

Late morning I recieve a call from my nurse, congratulating me and confirming our pregnancy. My HCG level (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - the pregnancy hormone) is 190 which our nurse is really happy with. A normal reading at 4 weeks is anything between 5 and 425mIU/ml. 

I have another blood test on Monday to check my levels again. A healthy pregnancy should see that level doubling every 2-3 days.

I am also booked in for my first scan at the end of May. We transferred 2 embryos, so this scan will be our first opportunity to find out of we are having twins. Secretly, (but not so secretly) I hope we are!

We are still in shock. It's a lot to take in, we have been on this journey for so long. It's a lot to process.

It is still very early days and we have a long way to go, but we are choosing to share this with you because we want to acknowledge and celebrate the life(lives) that are growing in my belly.

We know that God is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9) He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7) and He makes the barren women the joyful mother of children (Psalms 113:9)

Much love to you all,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie, Annie Mary and Bill Garry (Yes - my mum and mother in law have already named our embryos) And if we have twin boys, apparently we are calling them Jay and Mike - Haha. We will see :-)

Day 49

We had our first transfer today!!

The car ride to the clinic this morning was pretty quiet. Phone out, both of us expecting it to ring at any moment. When I stepped into the clinic it was such a surreal feeling - we had actually made it to transfer day.

I had booked in for acupuncture before and after transfer and was so please I had. I was so nervous - almost to the point where I was shaking. Not nervous about the transfer itself, but more in shock that it was actually going to happening. Having that time to be still and put on some worship music really helped to calm me.

The procedure was quick and straight forward and now our 2 little embryos are back where they belong.

I am now what is referred to as PUPO. Pregnant until proven otherwise.

Pregnant.

I still can't believe it.

So now we wait. And pray. And hope that these little guys stick.

We still have a long way to go, but for now we will celebrate this milestone.

Much love,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache and Frankie