Day 60

Test day.

My first week waiting went by with no troubles. I was enjoying having time at home to do absolutely nothing, and I managed to get through the first week without thinking too much about our treatment. 

The next few days were much harder.

As test day drew closer, I found it hard to hold onto hope - could this round really be any different? Everything about this round had worse results than our first 2 cycles.

I managed to stay off Dr Google for the entire wait, but internally, I over thought every sign and symptom, every pang, every twinge, wondering if it was a good sign or a bad sign. The last few days were hard.

On Sunday I had mild nausea all day and I was so happy. I didn't care that I was feeling sick, this surely was a good sign and it gave me hope. But on Monday there was no nausea and I found out my brother and sister in law (who I has spent the weekend with) had also been feeling unwell. 

I was crushed.

I went to bed on Monday night feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep. My mind was so active and I just wanted it to hurry up and all be over. I decided to turn my thoughts to something positive so I lay in bed and thanked God for all the good things in my life. It included important things like amazing supportive family and  friends, Daniel and Frankie and some not so important things like Feijoas and soft cheese.

Finally sleep came, but not for long, I was awake again at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. In the 6 years we have been trying to start a family, I have never blamed myself or my body for infertility but in the early hours of the morning of test day I couldn't shift the thought that my body was broken. That it couldn't do the thing it was designed to do, even with the assistance of IVF. 

I am made in His image. God doesn't make mistakes. I told myself.

At 6am my alarm went off followed by a notification from the pregnancy app I had downloaded, congratulating me on being 4 weeks pregnant. Argh, why did I down load that thing? I didn't need to hear that today.

I had decided to do a home pregnancy test that morning before my blood test. I didn't want to get a call at work from my nurse telling me I wasn't pregnant. I wanted to be prepared for that call.

But yesterday morning I didn't want to get out of bed and do that test. I wanted to hold onto that very thin thread of hope for just a bit longer. But by 6:15am I couldn't put it off any longer, I needed to get up now so I would have time to get a blood test done and be at work by 8am.

I fumble my way into the bathroom, get out the test, read the instructions twice and then dive right in. I do the test, put it straight on the window sill then sit on the floor. 

I don't want to watch it.

I set my phone for 3 minutes, turn off the light and I pray. 

I pray for Daniel and I, that God would be with us, that He would give us strength.

My alarm sounds but I can't look. 

I set it for another 2 minutes.

Beep beep beep, can't really put it off any longer, slowly I stand up and peer over the window ledge and I gasp. Staring straight back at me are not 2 blue lines (I named this blog before I had any experience with pregnancy tests!) but 2 strong pink lines.

I stand there for a minute in shock, and then trembling I make may way back to bed where Flex Thunderstache extends his arms to give me a big hug to console me. 

'It was positive' I whisper

There is a moment of silence and then Flex Thuderstache replies 'well that is unexpected'

On my way into town I am sitting on the train, looking out the window at the ocean, smiling and crying happy tears. For the first time in my life, after 6 years of trying to start a family, I have seen a positive pregnancy test. 

I am no longer infertile or barren.

I am pregnant.

Late morning I recieve a call from my nurse, congratulating me and confirming our pregnancy. My HCG level (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - the pregnancy hormone) is 190 which our nurse is really happy with. A normal reading at 4 weeks is anything between 5 and 425mIU/ml. 

I have another blood test on Monday to check my levels again. A healthy pregnancy should see that level doubling every 2-3 days.

I am also booked in for my first scan at the end of May. We transferred 2 embryos, so this scan will be our first opportunity to find out of we are having twins. Secretly, (but not so secretly) I hope we are!

We are still in shock. It's a lot to take in, we have been on this journey for so long. It's a lot to process.

It is still very early days and we have a long way to go, but we are choosing to share this with you because we want to acknowledge and celebrate the life(lives) that are growing in my belly.

We know that God is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9) He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7) and He makes the barren women the joyful mother of children (Psalms 113:9)

Much love to you all,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie, Annie Mary and Bill Garry (Yes - my mum and mother in law have already named our embryos) And if we have twin boys, apparently we are calling them Jay and Mike - Haha. We will see :-)