The final post

Last week we made our final trip to Fertility Associates for our review appointment.

Our doctor was sad an disappointment for us. It was about 6 years ago we had our first appointment with him, he, along with all the other lovely nurses, embryologists and reception staff have been journeying with us for a long time. 

Now it is time to say goodbye.

We discussed how this round was really just a mirror image of all the other rounds. In the first couple of days, the embryos start dividing, but from day 3, that's when the cells that are going to form the toes start grouping in a area and the cells forming the eyes start grouping together - much more complicated stuff and this is where our embryos stop developing. My egg quality is just too poor to provide our wee embryos with what they need to achieve this.

We also briefly discussed some other options we could pursue in the future, egg donor, adoption and even unmonitored clomiphene cycles. 

But for now, I need a break. I am ready to shut the door on IVF. It has been all consuming for the last couple of years and I don't want to do it anymore.

Last weekend I had a big tidy up and cleared out all the old bottles of pills and needles. I knew it would be shocking, but to see it all laid out on the table like that was quite overwhelming. If I ever have doubts, I can look at this photo and remind myself that I tried. 

Oh how I tried.

To clear this all out was actually quite freeing. Symbolic of what has been and making way for something new. 

I'm not yet ready to donate the boxes of baby clothes, books and toys I have collected over the last 7 years. I still hope for a natural miracle. My God is the God of miracles, He loves starting with the impossible. There is always Hope.

But for now, I seek rest. I seek the promise of Psalm 23 - He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. I look forward to the green pastures of the rolling Tuscan hills and the still waters of Lake Bled. Next year in May we are off to Europe and I am pretty excited!

Psalms 113:9 says 'He makes the barren woman a joyful mother of children' My children may not look anything like what you would picture, but one thing is for sure, they make my heart burst with joy.

This journey has made me more joyful, more grateful. I am realising just how important it is to count your blessing, and really, I have so many good things in my life to be thankful for. God is good. I know God has something great planned for us. Time to set sail and discover what that is.

Thank you for love and support. Writing has helped me to process what  was going on, what I was thinking and feeling. It has been a privilege to share our journey with you.

'Go as far as your courage takes you, for you can not go beyond the reach of God. 

Give as extravagantly as you may, for you can not spend all the riches of heaven.

Care as lavishly as you are able, for you can not exhaust the love of God.

Keep journeying and searching, for God travels with you an blesses you. 

Amen'

Posted with love and thankfulness, for one last time.

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie

Test day

It is finished. The test was negative.

This journey has ended. Time for a new one to begin.

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie Xxx

Embryo Update

Today I received a call from our embryologist.

None of the remaining 3 embryos made it freezing.

It was the news I was expecting, but I had let a little bit of hope creep in and it left me feeling deflated.

Now we really do have all our eggs in one basket.

Out 2 x 7 cell embryos stopped growing on day 3 and our 12 cell embryo began to deteriorate.

So we are just left with peanut and kernel. (Flex has named our other embryo kernel)

I can definitely feel things starting to happen in my womb, but I also know that the drugs I am taking to help support the pregnancy can give you every pregnancy symptom under the sun, even when your not pregnant.

So all I can do now is wait and hope and pray that our little peanut and kernel stick.

It's going to be a long week!

Xxx Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie, Eddie, Peanut and Kernel.

Embabies are on board

This morning we had our transfer and all went well. 

I was not surprised to hear that we had an embryo to transfer, but I was quite surprised to hear that all 5 were still growing, looking good and no signs of fragmentation. 

Maybe this time it will work.

We had 2 x 7 cell embryos, 1 x 9 cell, 1 x 10 cell and 1 x 12 cell. We opted to put back 2 so I assumed it would be the 10 and 12 cell ones. However my embryologist said her pick was the 9 and 10 cell ones. On day 3, she likes to see them between 8 and 10 cells. She explained that the 12 cell one was developing a little too quickly and might burn out a little later on.

So we transferred our 9 and 10 cell embryos. I have decided to call one peanut and will let Flex Thunderstache name the other. (Unsure if this is a good idea, could be interesting!)

The other 3 embryos remain in culture in the lab, being grown for another couple of days to see if they make it to day 5. On Tuesday we will get an update call letting us know how the remaining 3 got on and if they are suitable for freezing.

So now we are back in that all too familiar place of waiting. Once we get the results, I will update you all once we are ready to share the outcome.

Here are our 2 little embabies

Xx Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Ed

Embryo update

This morning I got the call from our embryologist. Out of the 13 eggs collected, 7 were mature and 5 have fertilised normally.

Good news!

The next decision to make is do we do a day 3 transfer or a day 5 transfer. 

For the first 2 rounds we opted for day 5 and then had nothing to transfer.

The third round we did a day 3 transfer and I did fall pregnant for a few weeks.

As soon as we have a transfer, that is the end of our public funding so I was leaning towards a day 5 transfer, however, our Dr explained that if we have a good quality embryo on day 3 but wait to day 5, and it doesn't make it to day 5, it would be unlikely that we would get any more public funding anyway.

So the decision that I thought would be difficult was actually quite easy. We will do a day 3 transfer (Saturday) If we have 2 good embryos, we will transfer them both like last time. 

They embryologist explained that they would only transfer 2 embryos if we had 2 good quality ones. They wont transfer a good quality one with a poor quality one, as if one embryo/fetus dies, it is quite possible it will take the healthy one with it.

So we only have 1 more day to wait, then we have a transfer, then the 2 week wait begins and then we will know if we will be a family with human babies or a family with just 2 gorgeous dogs.

Xxx Alana, Flex, Frank the Tank and Eddie.

Egg Collection Day

Instead of writing, I decided that I would document today through photos

Tomorrow we will get a call to tell us how many of those eggs were mature and how many have fertilised.

Xxx Alana, Flex, Frankie and Eddie

It's trigger time

It seems my little follicles are slow growing this time around. They normally grow 2mm a day but my scan yesterday showed that it's been a lot less than that.

This is how they measured yesterday

Right 11, 13, 16, 17, 19

Left 13, 13, 14, 16, 18 & 6 measuring less than 12

For comparison, this is what they were on Friday

Right 11, 11, 15, 16 plus 2 little ones

Left 10, 11, 12, 12, 14, 14, 16 and 4 little ones

I've just had the call to say my trigger injection will be tonight and egg collection  on Wednesday.

All I can day is thank goodness. My body is sore. The injections hurt. So ready for this! Even Flex Thunderstache commented yesterday that he was 'over it'. At least we are both on the same page with how we feel about ivf!

I will update again on Wednesday and let you know how many eggs we were able to retrieve.

Xx Alana, Flex, Frankie and Ed.

1st Scan

"Well you have a uterus. Well done. That's one tick."

Those were the first words to come out of my doctors mouth this morning. So far so good then.

I have 11 follicles growing that were big enough to measure and 6 smaller ones that might catch up.
Again my left side has been busier. I have 7 follicles measuring 16mm, 14mm, 12mm, 11mm, 14mm, 10mm, 12mm and on my right side I have 4: 15mm, 11mm, 16mm, 11mm

11 is a good number, but I was never concerned about this, I have always responded well to the drugs.

Quality, not quantity has always been our problem.

I am booked in for another blood test and scan on Sunday and egg collection is expected to be Tuesday.

Finally. We are nearly there.

Infertility is shit

The title says it all.

Through this journey I have met some beautiful people. Kind, thoughtful, caring women who will be the most amazing mothers. We have supported each other, laughed and cried together. 

It's just not fair. 

Watching these friends deal with heartache and pain from failed treatments. From chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, repeated miscarriages and little angels born sleeping. 

Tired and weary, I have watched these women continue to approach each round with hope. Surely this time will be our time. And the more you hope, the more vaunerable you are and the further you fall. Yet they pick themselves up and keep going. Willing to do anything and everything to get to the day they can hold their baby in their arms.

And even then, when you do get pregnant, its so hard to relax, over annalysing every twinge and pang. Consulting Dr google on everything looking for reasurance that the pain you just felt is normal. That the spotting doesnt mean its ending. It's so hard to celebrate and enjoy it because there has already been so much loss.

To my fertility ftiends. You are so fucking strong and courageous. I am here for you as you have been for me. We will beat this!

First injection

On Thursday I started the injections.

And I was actually looking forward to it.

Long cycles are just that. Long. Starting the injections marks another milestone in the journey. One more step closer.

The last couple of years feels like it has been a series of treatments, linked together with periods of waiting. But now the time is near. With or without a baby, this journey will soon come to an end.

So from now until about mid mid November I will be doing daily injections. There will be blood tests and scans, more blood tests and injections. Then egg collection and the 2 week wait.

And then we will know how this story ends.

I will update again when more interesting things are happening.
Xx Alana, Flex, Frankie and Eddie

Day 1. And so the adventure begins....again

I have never really been a big music person. Ask me who my favorite band is and I couldn't really tell you. Ask me what music I have been listening to lately and my reply would be 'Whatever Flex Thunderstache and Rowan have been playing.'

One thing I do love about music is it's ability to put words to feelings, emotions, experiences I have had, but not been able to find the words for myself. Thinking on this I have realised that every cycle I have done has had a song. One that I put on repeat and listen to over and over again. One that speaks to where I am at in the journey.

For round one, the song was 'Your gonna be ok' by Jen and Brian Johnson. I didn't actually start listening to this song until the round had unexpectedly ended but I found so much comfort in its words.

I know your heart is heavy from those nights

Just remember that you're a fighter, a fighter

You never know just what tomorrow holds

And you're stronger than you know

Stronger than you know

Your gonna be ok

By round 2 I could see the blessings that had come from the wait. A stronger marriage and a deeper faith. I listened to 'take courage' by Bethal  church.

Take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He's in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He's never failing

Take Courage

During the 3rd round I was full of hope and expectation. I would lie in bed at night listening to 'Yahweh, Pt. 3 - the Meteting' by Cindy Ruakere. 

I would focus on my breathing and think about how God has given us the breath of life.

Yahweh

(Yes those are birth control pills. The journey towards having a baby begins with preventing you from having a baby, strange right!)

And today the journey begins....again. 

One last time. 

I have found my song

'Kia Kaha' by Link

Kia Kaha

Much love,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie

Another update

Where to begin.

I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am ok, other days I really struggle. 

I am no longer filled with expectant hope. 

I hardly pray. 

I have built a wall.

Month after month, year after year, failed treatment after failed treatment I have been laying bricks down, building a wall between God and I. The wall has become so high and I am so tired. Tired of waiting, tired of roller coaster emotions, tired of putting life on hold. I what to climb the wall. I know what's on the other side, I just no longer have the energy and I am struggling to find that hope again. Hope requires vulnerability but there has been so much sadness and disappointment. I don't know how to find that hope again. 

I haven't been to church in weeks. It's just too hard. I am scared of all the emotions that may come pouring out if I do go.

I keep reminding myself that this journey will be over soon. One way or another it will be done. This brings feeling of relief, but also sadness as I process what that actually means. 

Sometimes I feel disappointed with myself. That I am throwing away our last round. Our last opportunity. Not taking better care of myself and being strict with my lifestyle choices and diet. Disappointed that I am not stronger. That I haven't been able to find the energy to do it all again one last time. I am strong and resilient, but maybe I should have been even stronger.

A few years ago when I had just begun doing research into fertility, I came across a book, Resurrection Year, by Sheridan Voysey. A story about a Christian couple who tried for a family for 10 years and were unsuccessful. The book shares their story, the heartache and pain, their struggles with their faith and how they they turned turned their broken dreams into a new beginning with a resurrection year. I was going to buy the book but decided it wasn't the right time. Our journey was only just beginning then. I didn't need a resurrection year.

Last week I read the book. I laughed, I cried. My heart and soul resonated with the words on the page. I want to read it over and over again.

Our journey is not over yet. We have one more shot, but already my heart and mind are letting go. And with our plan B trip to Europe I am dreaming up for next year, I guess I am already beginning to think of our resurrection year.

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie Xx

Update

It's been quite a few weeks since my last post, but not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about infertility, our IVF journey, our miscarriage, our next cycle. 

My mind is a busy place.

So many thoughts. 

Sometime I wish I could just switch them off. Escape from them. Feel normal.

It has been a long slow process of healing. I am still grieving. I will think I am doing OK, and then out of no where, something triggers it, and I am overwhelmed with sadness once again.

I decide to plant a tree in memory of our baby. A living monument. I chose a pink grapefruit tree. I wanted something I could watch grow, that would flower and produce fruit. It's a winter fruit so it should be in flower around the anniversary of our miscarriage. I don't know if it was our son or our daughter, but it was our baby. You are in heaven now sweet child, but you will never be forgotten. 

We received our letter from the clinic confirming our next round of public funded treatment. (This time I managed to get to the letter first before Flex Thunderstache had a chance to throw it out!) They have a place for us in November. I decided to be cheeky and ask if I could begin in October. I pointed out that as I will be doing a long cycle, if I start in November, the surgical procedures were likely to clash with Christmas. My negotiation skills worked and we will be starting in October.

The letter we received clearly states that this will be our second round of publicly funded treatment. It also states that even if this treatment doesn't result in a child, we will not be eligible for any further publicly funded treatment. The reality is setting in. This feels pretty final.

For our last round, I approached it with so much hope, so much expectation. I even wrote scripture all over the bedroom mirror. But for our next round - I am struggling. Struggling to feel hopeful, struggling to believe that this next time will work. It's not that I blame God or am even angry at him for what happened, but I have recently become aware of the distance I am feeling. After having so much hope, it is hard to let your heart be that vulnerable again.

I have been taking a far more relaxed approach preparing for the next round of treatment. I am finally at the point where I have excepted what will be will be. I am taking 6 different vitamins and supplements now. This may seem like a lot, but compared to previous rounds, it is significantly less. I have gone back to eating food that I want to, instead of having a very strict, healthy diet. I am even enjoying the odd glass of red wine. It feels good to be able to make this area of my life a little more normal again.

This year I have been on the Wellington committee for Fertility NZ (FNZ). I have been organizing monthly coffee group catch ups for others going through infertility. Its such a great group. Full of love and support and women who just understand the journey. I have met some really lovely ladies. 

Recently, FNZ had a training session in Auckland which I was able to attend. It was a pretty intense day, but a great opportunity to meet other women from around the North Island who also run support groups. The best part about that trip though - I got to meet Rochelle. Rochelle and I met through a facebook support group. We have been communicating since September and supporting each other through rounds 2 and 3. We share words of hope and encouragement, send cards, care packages and funky socks to wear during egg collection. Rochelle has made this journey so much easier. It was such a treat to meet her.

We also welcomed Eddie into our home a few weeks ago. Frankie is now a big sister. Eddie is a typical little brother, he always wants whatever toy Frankie is currently playing with. It's so lovely to see them playing together, chasing each other around the house and playing tug of war together. I have nicknamed them Trouble 1 and Trouble 2. The day we brought Eddie home, our little family felt a little bit more complete. What a joy they are.

And so, we are back at the place of waiting again. I am sure October will come around soon enough, but if I could start tomorrow, I would. 

So for now I say goodbye, I will update you all again closer to the time.

Much love, 

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and Eddie

The end of round 3

1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.

Last night I became 1 in 4.

It comes with a mixture of sadness and relief.

I haven't felt pregnant for the last month and have been expecting a miscarriage for the last 3 weeks. The wait felt like forever. While I wanted it to pass naturally, I was at the point where I was beginning to consider surgery. So I am relieved that it has happened.

I have spent the last 3 weeks grieving. I would go about my day like nothing has happened. If I kept busy I didn't think about it. But at night, when I got into bed, when I was left alone in the dark, in silence, with only my thoughts, I would cry. I cried each night for weeks. I felt angry with my body. If only it could make good quality eggs then maybe my baby wouldn't have died. 

And today, now that it has ended, I feel empty. Like I have lost a little part of myself. I feel weak, tired and exhausted. The miscarriage was so painful but I feel the pain was fitting for the significance of the loss.

This was my round of no regrets. And I have none. I did absolutely everything I could. Everything. Supplements, vitamins, healthy eating, exercise, acupuncture, belly massage, heat packs. I approached this round with so much hope, and when I didn't feel hopeful, I chose actions that reflected that hope. I spoke scripture over myself and claimed God's promises. 

I did everything.

And it still wasn't enough.

Too much striving. Too much trying. Too much trying to control something that is not mine to control.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions these last 3 weeks. I don't understand why. Why my body can't produce quality eggs. Why I lost my baby. Why we have had to endure over 6 years of infertility. 

But I still trust God. I know he is good. I know He is writing our story and it will be amazing.

'He has made everything beautiful in it's time. Ecclesiastes 3:11'

Over the next few weeks I will have some blood tests to monitor my HCG levels until it returns to 0. From here we will be able to starting planing for our 4th round. 

I am tired. I am ready for this to end, but while there is still a fight to be had, I will fight.

Xxx Alana, Flex Thunderstache and Frankie

8 weeks - 2nd scan

I am experiencing so many different emotions right now. I don't even know how to begin articulating them, so I will just stick to the facts.

• Yesterday we had our second scan.
• It didn't go well.
• Our baby is still measuring 3-4mm, at 8 weeks it should be be 15-16mm
• We saw a faint slow flicker but it was not enough for the doctor to be hopeful.
• I have been taking medication since egg collection to help my body support the pregnancy. 
• The doctor believes that this might be continuing to support my pregnancy when naturally I would have miscarried.
• It has been suggested that I stop taking the medication and expect this to end in miscarriage.
• It may happen naturally.
• Or I could take some medication that would assist it happening
• He didn't believe a D&C would be necessary.
• We still qualify for another round of public funded IVF.
• Since we actually managed to get pregnant, it is likely that there will still be the option of having another go with my eggs rather than being told the only way forward is with donor eggs.

We just have to wait it out and see what happens.

This journey never gets any easier.

6 weeks 6 days. 1st scan

For the last couple of weeks I have been feeling pretty upbeat and positive. I have developed a heavy feeling in my tummy, am super tired and really hungry. I have been enjoying feeling pregnancy symptoms.

I have found a midwife finally. I contacted 15 before I found someone who was available. My due date is 1st Jan so it means working over the holiday season and so many midwives were just unavailable for this time.

As I said, I have been feeling pretty positive, but in the couple of days leading up to our scan, doubt and worry made it's way in. I had a day where I didn't feel tired. What's going on? Over analysing every feeling and symptom, or lack of. Wondering if everything is OK.

I have been memorizing scripture for the last few months and this has gotten me through some difficult times. At the moment I recite 2 Timothy 1.7 to myself. 'God has not given us a spirit of fear.' I do not need to be fearful. I do not need to worry. God is with me. He is with my babies.

Finally, yesterday afternoon arrived and it was time for our scan. Our doctor greeted us and asked how i was doing. I replied with great enthusiasm that I was great. 'Oh' he said. 'Your suppossed to tell me you have nausea.'

Nope. No nausea. But I am really tired and super hungry. That's a good sign right?

We have our scan. I can never understand them, even when the doctor is pointing out stuff I really struggle to see what he is referring to. He located the yoke sack, the fetal pole and we see a slight flicker. I am looking to my doctor, trying to establish if things are good. He isn't giving much away. Then he takes some measurements and says the yoke sack is measuring 6 weeks 0 days. He asks again how far along I am. 6 weeks 6 days.

                             

The scan ends with us being told it is inconclusive. It's just a bit too early to make any sure conclusions. He explained that sometimes embryos are a bit slow to implant and hatch and that could explain why the growth is nearly a week behind. He books us in for another scan the following week. He gives me a pat on the shoulder and says 'Sorry, it's going to be a long week.'

Flex Thunderstache had to leave quickly after the scan so we didn't get the opportunity to talk until the evening. The afternoon left me feeling disappointed. Not bad news, but also not the news we were hoping for. IVF is never simple or straight forward. There is always one more test, one more hoop to jump through, one more period of waiting. It is a long roller-coaster of emotions.

When I got home Flex Thunderstache was very positive about it all, saying it was good news. I was so grateful for his optimism. And my sock buddy told me it was a very positive sign seeing a yoke sack and a fetal pole. By evening I was feeling very encouraged and hopeful again.

We still don't know if I am pregnant with twins. We only saw one yoke sack and one fetal pole so I would assume that it is a single pregnancy, but they are so small at this stage. I have heard that sometimes they can hide. It did take the doctor a while to locate the one we saw. Maybe they will be able to confirm next week.

So we are back to the place we have been so many times before. A place of waiting. It is still very early days. A lot of women still wouldn't even know they were pregnant at this stage. I have known for 3 weeks. Its one of the many blessings and down sides of IVF. You know so much so early on.

Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts. It means the world to us.

Much love,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie and the blueberry (apparently our baby is currently the size of a blueberry)

Day 66

Happy Friday to you all!

This post is a little over due but I still wanted to share.

On Monday we had our 2nd blood test. Waiting for the call for the results felt like it went on forever. And then of course when my phone did ring, I had a client at the reception desk I needed to assist. All I could do was answer the call and ask them to please call back in a couple of minutes. That was then followed by the longest 19 minutes of my life. I couldn't think properly and I certainly couldn't concentrate on work. Unable to wait any longer I rang them back and thankfully got through.

My Hcg levels have risen from 190 to 1600 over the last 6 days. My nurse was very happy with that and I don't have to have any more blood tests for now. Happy days!

Our 1st scan has also been brought forward 2 weeks so that is now happening on the 14th of May. 

I spent the first week in shock, finding it had to believe that it was actually happening but now I am filled with joy and excitement. I am now looking for a midwife, I have tried a couple, so far no luck, but that's ok. I'm not worried. It will all work out. 

I have been enjoying reading my pregnancy app daily and getting updates. Our babies are currently the size of sesame seeds and measure 3mm. There is also a picture of what they look like. Haha. A bit like a tadpole! 

I haven't had any morning sickness yet, that usually starts around 6 weeks so I have a few more days to enjoy before that starts. I have been feeling pretty tired and feeling a heaviness in my tummy. I am enjoying feeling pregnancy symptoms for the first time in my life. And it's encouraging to be able to feel that things are happening down there.

Love to you all

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, frankie and the sesame seeds. Xx

Day 60

Test day.

My first week waiting went by with no troubles. I was enjoying having time at home to do absolutely nothing, and I managed to get through the first week without thinking too much about our treatment. 

The next few days were much harder.

As test day drew closer, I found it hard to hold onto hope - could this round really be any different? Everything about this round had worse results than our first 2 cycles.

I managed to stay off Dr Google for the entire wait, but internally, I over thought every sign and symptom, every pang, every twinge, wondering if it was a good sign or a bad sign. The last few days were hard.

On Sunday I had mild nausea all day and I was so happy. I didn't care that I was feeling sick, this surely was a good sign and it gave me hope. But on Monday there was no nausea and I found out my brother and sister in law (who I has spent the weekend with) had also been feeling unwell. 

I was crushed.

I went to bed on Monday night feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep. My mind was so active and I just wanted it to hurry up and all be over. I decided to turn my thoughts to something positive so I lay in bed and thanked God for all the good things in my life. It included important things like amazing supportive family and  friends, Daniel and Frankie and some not so important things like Feijoas and soft cheese.

Finally sleep came, but not for long, I was awake again at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. In the 6 years we have been trying to start a family, I have never blamed myself or my body for infertility but in the early hours of the morning of test day I couldn't shift the thought that my body was broken. That it couldn't do the thing it was designed to do, even with the assistance of IVF. 

I am made in His image. God doesn't make mistakes. I told myself.

At 6am my alarm went off followed by a notification from the pregnancy app I had downloaded, congratulating me on being 4 weeks pregnant. Argh, why did I down load that thing? I didn't need to hear that today.

I had decided to do a home pregnancy test that morning before my blood test. I didn't want to get a call at work from my nurse telling me I wasn't pregnant. I wanted to be prepared for that call.

But yesterday morning I didn't want to get out of bed and do that test. I wanted to hold onto that very thin thread of hope for just a bit longer. But by 6:15am I couldn't put it off any longer, I needed to get up now so I would have time to get a blood test done and be at work by 8am.

I fumble my way into the bathroom, get out the test, read the instructions twice and then dive right in. I do the test, put it straight on the window sill then sit on the floor. 

I don't want to watch it.

I set my phone for 3 minutes, turn off the light and I pray. 

I pray for Daniel and I, that God would be with us, that He would give us strength.

My alarm sounds but I can't look. 

I set it for another 2 minutes.

Beep beep beep, can't really put it off any longer, slowly I stand up and peer over the window ledge and I gasp. Staring straight back at me are not 2 blue lines (I named this blog before I had any experience with pregnancy tests!) but 2 strong pink lines.

I stand there for a minute in shock, and then trembling I make may way back to bed where Flex Thunderstache extends his arms to give me a big hug to console me. 

'It was positive' I whisper

There is a moment of silence and then Flex Thuderstache replies 'well that is unexpected'

On my way into town I am sitting on the train, looking out the window at the ocean, smiling and crying happy tears. For the first time in my life, after 6 years of trying to start a family, I have seen a positive pregnancy test. 

I am no longer infertile or barren.

I am pregnant.

Late morning I recieve a call from my nurse, congratulating me and confirming our pregnancy. My HCG level (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - the pregnancy hormone) is 190 which our nurse is really happy with. A normal reading at 4 weeks is anything between 5 and 425mIU/ml. 

I have another blood test on Monday to check my levels again. A healthy pregnancy should see that level doubling every 2-3 days.

I am also booked in for my first scan at the end of May. We transferred 2 embryos, so this scan will be our first opportunity to find out of we are having twins. Secretly, (but not so secretly) I hope we are!

We are still in shock. It's a lot to take in, we have been on this journey for so long. It's a lot to process.

It is still very early days and we have a long way to go, but we are choosing to share this with you because we want to acknowledge and celebrate the life(lives) that are growing in my belly.

We know that God is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9) He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7) and He makes the barren women the joyful mother of children (Psalms 113:9)

Much love to you all,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache, Frankie, Annie Mary and Bill Garry (Yes - my mum and mother in law have already named our embryos) And if we have twin boys, apparently we are calling them Jay and Mike - Haha. We will see :-)

Day 49

We had our first transfer today!!

The car ride to the clinic this morning was pretty quiet. Phone out, both of us expecting it to ring at any moment. When I stepped into the clinic it was such a surreal feeling - we had actually made it to transfer day.

I had booked in for acupuncture before and after transfer and was so please I had. I was so nervous - almost to the point where I was shaking. Not nervous about the transfer itself, but more in shock that it was actually going to happening. Having that time to be still and put on some worship music really helped to calm me.

The procedure was quick and straight forward and now our 2 little embryos are back where they belong.

I am now what is referred to as PUPO. Pregnant until proven otherwise.

Pregnant.

I still can't believe it.

So now we wait. And pray. And hope that these little guys stick.

We still have a long way to go, but for now we will celebrate this milestone.

Much love,

Alana, Flex Thunderstache and Frankie

Day 47

Not the results we were hoping for today.

Of our 9 eggs, only 3 were mature and only 2 have fertilised.

2 little embryos.

Our embryologist was quite surprised by this, everything was looking so great and she couldn't really offer any explanation of why it's turned out like this. 

My estrogen levels at my last blood test were 5000. Apparently, a mature egg has an estrogen level of about 1000, so they were expecting around 5 mature eggs. She explained that sometimes an egg can have a higher reading which can skew the results.

I asked why the Dr yesterday didn't collect eggs from every follicle. She explained that sometimes the follicles are just too hard to get to. While I had 14 follicles at my scan on the weekend, the scan taken yesterday during the procedure showed that I only had 4 follicles each side that were a good size. You have to remember that they are very small and measured in mm. Sometimes, for example, a follicle will measure say 16 - 17 mm at a scan, but then on a different day from a different angle it might only measure 14-15 mm.

If you have 4 or more embryos, you would usually do a day 5 transfer (which would be Sunday for us). If you have 3 or less it would be a day 3 transfer (Friday). For our last 2 rounds we have had 7 and 4 embryos, so have always waited to day 5 for the transfer (and then we get a call to say they have stopped developing and we have nothing to transfer)

But the decision is up to us. We now need to decide if we do a day 3 or a day 5 transfer. If we wait to day 5, it is possible we wont have an embryo to transfer. If we do a day 3 then we may be putting ourselves through the '2 week wait' to find out if it is successful, when potentially, we could have just found out if it was going to survive if we waited till day 5.

I also asked if it would be possible to transfer both on day 3. When a cycle is public funded, there are very strict regulations that have to be followed and that includes only putting back one embryo.  They want to minimize the chance of multiple births. However, given our history, it is possible that we will be able to put them both back.

Tomorrow our embryologist will check our embryos and give us a call to let us know how they are going. She will also let us know if we are able to put back two. At this stage, Flex Thunderstache and I will have to let her know what we have decided regarding a day 3 or day 5 transfer.

Part of me wants to laugh, part of me wants to cry, part of me just wants to block it out and not think about it at all. I am ready for this to be over, but I don't want it to end until we have exhausted all our options.

Miracles happen. There is always hope. I am just struggling to hold onto that hope at the moment. It is comforting to know that our friends and family are praying for us - bridging the gap where my faith lacks today.

God is creator of all life.

He is writing our story. 

I know that it's going to be great.

Thank you for doing this journey with us. It certainly makes it easier.

Much love, Alana, flex and Frankie